Offering Support Through Déjà Vu

I currently have someone close to me dealing with a husband who consistently disregards anyone else’s feelings and makes life altering decisions on his own and then leaves her to pick up the pieces.  His most recent adventure had him leaving town for the weekend to take on a business deal and on day two he decides to call her to say he was just offered a great job and would not be back as planned.  How can any one just make that sort of decision without consulting his wife and children?  Yes, he has two beautiful kids and they haven’t seen their father in a week, but according to their Mother, “they have spoken on the phone.”

Unfortunately this is not the first time he does this.  Actually, he’s been doing it since they met, over 7 years ago.  Thanks to Oprah’s:

Lesson 13: When People Show You Who They Are…Believe Them

“When somebody has shown you who they are, believe them. Stop expecting them to be something other than who they are. Believe them. And move on.”

I believe that is who he is, unfortunately, his wife does not.  Love is an amazing thing.

 

When I spoke to her this weekend she told me that she did speak to him about this not being “cool” with her, but because she has let him do this before and she is speaking of possibly moving up to be with him in about six months, I don’t think that this will be last time she has to deal with this.

 

 

Her family, understandably, is up in arms about this.  Not only are they mad at him for just deciding to up and leave, without regard for the well being of his children and/or wife and they’re mad at her for not being madder about him up and leaving; but they resent the fact that they too have to help her pick up the pieces (financially and emotionally).

 

She is definitely stuck in a rock and a hard place, which is where I am trying to come in, however, I too have been there for each previous “disrespectful” action.  While I am able to believe this is who he is and have learned to be surprised only when he makes decisions based on what is best for his family, the disrespect he shows his wife, children and his wife’s family is something I struggle to get over and I find myself resenting him and her for letting him continue to disrespect her and their family.

 

When we spoke on the phone I wanted to get all the details so I took a soft approach and asked how she was really feeling and gave her all of my support, as I had in the past.  However, once we got off the phone and I replayed our conversation in my head, I realized I took too soft an approach and called her back to tell her that although I would again be there to offer my support in helping her deal with this situation, I wanted her to know that I did not agree with what he did.  I also reminded her that this was not the first time he had done something like this and asked her if she too remembered that.  Immediately, I noticed she shut down, which I guess is what kept me from taking this approach the first time we spoke, but I told her I could tell she was shutting down, but I didn’t want her to.  I just couldn’t let the opportunity pass without verbally letting her know I thought this was wrong and she should at some point think it’s wrong too and believe in her worth and that of her children to demand more from him.  She stated she understood, but that is all she would offer.  Hopefully my need to share my feelings won’t keep her from honestly sharing her unfolding family drama with me, but I guess only time will tell.

 

How do you keep supporting someone who lets someone else determine her and her children’s life path, without discussion or preparation? How do you not support someone you love and want the best for? 

How Do You Grieve When the One Your Grieving is Still Alive?

That is the question that three people close to me are asking themselves and me, as they seek to understand and get through it all.  Two of the three are dealing with a parent who has Alzheimer’s Disease, while the other is dealing with a father who’s been told his cancer has progressed too far and there is nothing more they can do for him.  All three stories break my heart every time I hear about their struggles.

As a friend, it’s so hard to see my friends who have parents with Alzheimer’s struggle through visits where they have to repeat things over and over; hear that their parent doesn’t remember them and/or feel threatened by their presence; seeing the fear in their parent’s eyes – where before they saw love, compassion and strength.

I don’t know what I would do if I were in the same situation, but I hate to see them go through that pain and hurt every time they see their parent…and unfortunately it does happen every time.

At least my friend, who’s father was told there was nothing more that could be medically done to save his life, is now spending his last days enjoying time with his family and doing the things he loves to do.  In a way, this feels like the lesser of two evils between these situations, because everyone will at least get to say goodbye.  Although Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease, a lot of people don’t know they have it until the dementia hits a noticeable level, which may be too late to say goodbye to the life you used to know.

Regardless, it’s all painful, but I’ve at least been able to offer my love and support, along with suggestions for reading material and support groups (Stages of Grief and Caring for a Person with Alzheimer’s Disease).  Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, but I know that they appreciate just having someone, not intimately involved in the caring of their parent, to listen to them.  That’s the least I can do.

Have you had to grieve anyone in a similar situation?  Do you have any suggestions or resources I can pass along?

Relationship Introspectives

The other day my single girlfriend and I were discussing her latest failed attempt at a relationship with someone she thought was a shoe in…meaning she had known him for several years and had recently felt they were getting closer.  Needless to say when she decided to “go for it” he didn’t share the same feelings…ouch.

So as I sat with her and we  discussed “what went wrong,” like we usually do when we find ourselves in this situation, she mentioned an article a friend of her’s had just suggested she read.  It was titled “Why You’re Not Married,” by Tracy McMillan, which was featured on the Huffington Post.

Tracy does not mince words.  She is very clear in stating that the reason we’re not married is not because of the “lie” all single women tell themselves – “There are just no good men left in the world!”

It’s because of …YOU…US…ME!

I think subconsciously I knew this but was not willing to begin to compromise to get to be with the love of my life – silly I know, but this article lead me to this lightbulb moment.  How?  By reading the top six reasons Tracy gives as to why I’m still not married.  Below are the ones that really resonated with me.

1.  You’re Angry – which according to Tracy terrifies men.  I didn’t think I was angry, but it was her last line that let me see the light.

• “I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.
• Eureka!  When I thought about it, this is what “angers” me the most when I’m dating someone – having to deal with their fears and insecurities.  As may be obvious, in the past, this was my breaking point and this is when I’ve decided to break off the relationship in search of someone who was fearless and secure with themselves and our relationship – which to date has left me single.

2.  You’re Shallow – Basically she says all we need is a “man of character – who by definition is willing to commit,” not the tall, rich, sensitive, add whatever other adjective you’d like here – man.

• This I equate to never picking the “nice” guy who they say always finishes last.
• From my own account, I have to agree.  I have known several good, nice men that I love as friends, but can’t get out of the friend zone because I’m waiting for my tall, knight in shining armor – DUH! I know, but I’m willing to start looking past my shallowness now. 🙂  I think this awareness comes with age – which is why it took me a while, but at least I’m here now.

3.  You’re Selfish – “It’s not all about me anymore!”

• This will take constant monitoring on my part, but I think I’m willing to compromise and not make everything about me 24/7 😉

4.  You’re Not Good Enough – “…need to know:  You are enough right this minute.  Period”

• I, like everyone else have these moments, especially when I’m meeting handsome/accomplished men and/or even gorgeous/accomplished women
• Awareness is half the battle, now to deal with it 🙂

For me knowledge is always power and I definitely feel more powerful and self aware now that I’ve read the article and gone through my relationship introspective.  I am now going to smile my way back into the dating world and try my hardest not to be angry, shallow, selfish or think I’m not good enough! 🙂

What relationship introspectives have you had recently?  Do you have any dating tips to share?

The Most Amazing Thing Happened…

Earlier this week I was getting home from the gym, checking my various social media outlets on my phone, when the most amazing tweet came through from @thingenious – aka Josie Spinardi.

It was a little surreal.  Why you ask?  Well because I mentioned her as my inspiration toward intuitive eating in my first post about getting skinny – “It’s Not Easy Getting Skinny.” 

Earlier this summer I was at my wits end about weight loss and found her YouTube channel Thingenious by Josie Spinardi, which changed my dieting life :).

Since getting immersed in every video she had on YouTube and reading a couple of the books she mentioned in her videos, I have been trying my hardest to focus on asking myself:

• Are you really hungry or are you trying to avoid some emotions, etc.
• How hungry are you?
• What are you hungry for?

Once I’ve assessed the answers to those questions, if I’m really hungry, I eat what I’m hungry for, but make sure to take my time, savor every bite and check in with myself to see when I’ve reached a comfortable satisfaction level so I can step away from the food.

This of course is a simplified synopsis of what intuitive eating can be, as championed by Josie and others I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, but everyday life can divert from the simplicity of the concept, which is why support from apps, journals, friends, family, etc. should be used to keep you on track.  It’s mainly about being in tune with yourself and your hunger in a sometimes chaotic world that tries its hardest to take your attention away from that.

Changing old habits of scarfing food down on the go, in front of the TV, etc. take time and can be challenging at times, but once you begin to tune into what your body is truly telling you, you realize that your body is completely on your side.  It also only wants to process the food you need to function and not have to process all the food we tend to over eat when we’re not paying attention.

As I continue to learn and grow into an automatic intuitive eater, I was touched and elated that Josie took the time to not only read my blog, but to actually reach out to me and offer me a free copy of her audio book How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too.

Words cannot explain how amazing it feels to have someone whom you’ve looked up to, look back at you, validate your journey and offer up support along the way.  For this Josie, I am forever grateful.  The smile you put on my face this Tuesday has not left :).

I just downloaded the book so I don’t have any new intuitive eating tid bits to share, but I hope to have more to share soon.

What amazing thing happened to you recently?  Have you had any experience with intuitive eating?  Do you have any intuitive eating tid bits to share?

Weekend Wrap-up

It’s amazing how jammed packed our weekends get as we get older, but they do.  This past weekend was not exception.  My weekend started off with my friend Melanie’s “Getting Wiggy with it” Birthday party.  Unfortunately I was the one stick in the mud of the group that showed up without a wig.  What can I say, a friend had promised to let me borrow her wig, but when the night came, the wig didn’t 😦  So I tried to make the best of it by weaving in some silver sparkly strands into my hair, but as you can tell from the pics, it wasn’t enough in comparison to the rest of the group, but we had fun none the less.

Me and the birthday girl – Melanie

Having a blast getting Wiggy with it 🙂

The following night my friend and I hit up my friend’s poker party.  As always we had a blast.  They are the ones that showed me how to play Texas Hold’em and it’s always a good time.

I was up for  a big part of the night, but once the blinds started being 500/1000, I knew my time was numbered and it was.

My chip count early on in the evening…I was on empty by 10:30pm

I left and there were still about 5 players at the table holding out to see who would win the trophy this time around.

We headed out to my other friends birthday party, which was being held at an outdoor venue.  We arrived to find these amazing cake balls waiting for us.

Chocolate and Lemon cake balls – delicious!

We celebrated with the birthday girl for an hour before the wind picked up and we knew a storm was a brewing.  We said our goodbyes to the Birthday girl and took some cake balls to go and headed out to find a dry, indoor spot to close our night.

Drive

We decided to go to a venue close to our house, so we ended up at Hooligans.  As we were walking in and paying our cover, the manager happened to walk by and offered to buy us our first round….things just kept looking up.  As we settled in to check out the band, my friend realized that the band playing that evening was none other than her favorite, alternative cover band – Drive.  They killed it and we had a blast singing and dancing the night away.

Another great weekend, with great friends!

What fun things are keeping your weekends busy?  Do you have any fun ideas of what to do on those not so busy weekends?